Marriage is a unique combination of loyalty, attraction and friendship. Sometimes we need to reiterate our commitment, or seek out moments when we can be intimate. Likewise, friendship must be cultivated in order to have a balanced, joyful marriage. So remember some key things about what it means to be a best friend. Seek out common interests, even if it means learning about something brand new. Focus on what you already love about him or her, not on what you would change. And don’t forget to show your spouse how excited you are to be married to your best friend.
Malcolm Gladwell wrote an excellent book entitled, Outliers, in which he describes the secret to the success of “gifted” people. What he learned goes something like this: They’re not really gifted. They just work at it.
And that applies directly to marriage.
A happy marriage may look effortless but that’s because you’re looking at the snapshot instead of the feature-length movie. Every close couple has made their relationship a priority over time. There are no exceptions. If you desire to become closer to your spouse – to grow in friendship – you have to cultivate it. It won’t happen by itself, especially in this busy life.
Here are some suggestions to help you regain your focus on friendship with the person you love.
1) Remind yourself of your true priority: Each other! It’s basic, but it’s vital. You don’t work for your schedule. It works for the two of you.
2) Carve out some time every day – even if it’s only 15 minutes, more preferably – where it’s just the two of you, one-on-one, connecting. Sometimes Lisa and I just walk down the driveway a few times, holding hands. (always hold hands!)
3) Open your mouth and say it: I really like you. Okay, so you’re not feeling that way right now but, that’s because of what you are focusing on. Change your focus. Think of something about your spouse you do like and appreciate and comment on that. I’m no different than any one else. I need Lisa to communicate to me that she likes me and she needs to hear the same from me. It’s what happy couples do.
4) Regularly do something you both enjoy. Lisa and I go out to coffee and go for walks . . . it’s our “thing”. Sounds amazing, eh? Not really . . . for some, this is pretty bland stuff, but over the years you come to understand that deep friendship is the result of accumulating lots of simple moments together that you both enjoy.
5) Share your spiritual lives together. Did God reveal something to you in the Scriptures you read recently? Share it. Pray for each other . . . and tell each other you are praying and pray together. Like the shoe company says: Just Do It!
These things are basic and straightforward. Yet, so often we allow our busy lives to keep us from the very things that bring richness and fulfillment to our marriages. But that frenetic schedule isn’t even close to important compared to being good friends with the one you love. Do what happy couples do: Start (or restart) cultivating the friendship you desire to have with your spouse. Start right now!
5 Ways To Cultivate Intimacy In Your Marriage:
1. Pray Together
Praying together can seem intimidating, especially if you are not comfortable praying out loud. However, this is one of the most intimate things you will ever get to share with your husband. So gather up the courage and pray with your man! Pray for your marriage, your family, and your future! Praying together builds intimacy because you are vulnerably exposing your heart, not just before your husband, but to God at the same time.
2. Converse With Each Other
This does not mean just talk to one another, rather it means to find a relaxing atmosphere to give quality time to communicating with each other. Be intentional about removing distractions. Make eye contact, share your heart with him, and take time to just listen. Things that you can discuss include the condition of your marriage, goals, issues you may need to resolve, and things God is teaching you. Quality communication fosters intimacy in marriage!
3. Eat Together
Our fast-paced culture tends to fill up every ounce of our time. Learn to slow down and keep your priorities, priorities! Sit together and enjoy a meal with your husband. This can be as simple as a light lunch or you can really set the mood by lighting candles and setting the table nicely. We were made to enjoy food and what better way to nourish your body than doing so alongside your husband. Use the time you have to bless your husband by making his favorite meal! One of the most intimate settings Jesus experienced with His disciples was sharing Passover with them! Eating together fosters intimacy because it shows you care enough to slow down and enjoy the time you have been given, it encourages community, and it usually creates an atmosphere of peace.
4. Play Together
Experience joy, laughter, excitement, and fun as you play together. You can play with your spouse through games like keep away with the remote, tickle torture, water fights, clean pranks, or actually sport games. Playing together keeps your relationship fresh as you are energized by laughter and happiness. Playing together will stimulate your mind and your heart. Playing together cultivates intimacy in marriage because it includes physical touch.
5. Go On Adventures
Just like playing together, going on adventures will stimulate your mind and your heart. Go on adventures together may be trying a new restaurant, going on a hike, traveling out of state, going on a mission trip, or taking a drive. This will cause you to communicate as you experience new things around you! Be creative and explore with your husband as often as you can! Remember these do not have to be expensive, it may just be a walk down a street you have never been down before. As you learn to trust each other through your adventures and the excitement of experiencing new things is intimate because it will draw you closer to each other!
Chris and I are in quite a good place right now. I need to commit to cultivating our relationship in 2014. We need to really have dates. I need to make him see that I cherish our friendship and marriage. I need to not always spend our time together dwelling on the administrivia of day-to-day life or the kids issues. We need to laugh together and share joy!
P.S. I want to reread Gladwell's book in 2014!
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